Tips from abroad

1. If her vag is lemony sip some gin & tonic before hand.
hmmm g&t with lemon ahhhhh

Minutes of meeting with Mr Hemingway 22-02-2006

1. Someone called me "sir". wtf?!
2. A girl walks up to the bar orders two taquila shots and a gin and tonic. She pays with a credit card. While the bar lady is taking the payment. she hooves down the two shots. pays for the drinks and takes the G&T and goes to sit with her friends. wtf?!
3. Did you know you could have a drink (in a pint plastic cup) that was half Jægermester half red bull?!
wtf?!
4. There are two bar ladies. The tall one with the dark hair iand slightly prettier serves watered down vodka and tonics. The other one with the blod her and the boobs sticking out of her shirt, is pleasant to watch, a lot less pertty, but has a very heavy hands when pouring vodka and tonics. She is usually at teh far end of the bar (away from the door). hic

Oh Shit!

Computer Programming, an Introduction by HBM

"What you need to do is get hold of a TA who wants to bone you and get him to do your homework for you"

ps
you dont have to bone him, unless ofcourse he has a huge dick and you need it.

This one is from Gavin Esler of Newsnight 22-02-06

Finally

No jokes today - the cupboard is bare of any Jokes Fit for an 11 Year Old. But since I've just returned from Nashville, where I met the queen of country music Dolly Parton, I thought you might like to hear her response to a question from me about whether she had ever thought of running for political office.

"No," she said, because "there have been enough boobs in the White House already without mine."

cake and flowers

That's the end of every Valentine's Day , some mouldy cake and a plastic flower

"Its like I said man Wu peed on the rug"

The Camera Eye*

We were seated in the lobby of the hotel as she walked swiftly by us, turned the corner sharply, and was gone.
"That’s an uncommonly good-looking girl," I said to my wife, who was deep in a crossword puzzle.
"Do you mean the one in that imitation blue taffeta dress with the green and red flowered design?"
"The girl that just walked by."
"Yes," said my wife, "with that dowdy rayon dress on. It’s a copy of one I saw at Hattie Carnegie’s, and a poor copy at that. You’d think, though, that she’d have better taste than to wear a chartreuse hat with it, especially with her bleacher hair."
"Bleached? I didn’t notice her hair was bleached."
"Good heavens, you could almost smell the peroxide. I don't mind a bit of make-up provided it looks fairly natural. But you could scrape that rouge off with a knife. They ought to add a course in make-up to the curriculum at Smith."
"Smith? Why Smith?"
"From her class pin, of course. You must have noticed it hanging from her charm bracelet."
"I wasn't looking at her wrist."
"I’ll bet you weren’t. Nor at those fat legs of hers, either. A woman with legs like that shouldn't wear high-heeled patent-leather shoes."
"I thought she was a very pretty girl," I said apologetically.
"Well you may be right," said my wife. "I was busy with my puzzle and didn’t notice her particularly. What’s the name of a President of the United States in six letters, beginning with T?"

* Taken from The camera Eye, from The Atlantic Monthly, December 1952

"She's Got to Feed The Monkey."

"and that's cool, man"

Im feeling Froggy

98.3

How To Pickup Jewesses - An Operations Manual

Lesson 1: Kneading the Dough!

This one is easy, like taking candy from a baby. Or a humentashen from a yeshiva boy.


All you have to do is scan the notice boards for the next Challah* making meeting (these usually take place on Fridays). Go along, you don't have to be Jewish you just need to have a cock. Participate in the activity like every one else, help make and mix the dough. Then when it gets to the part where you knead the dough observe very carefully. Look for the chicks (or guys, if you are into that sort of thing) who are really giving that dough a working over. Do they look like they are putting all their frustrations into it (sexual that is)? Do they look like they spent two hours 'flicking the bean' before they came to the meet? Do they handle the stuff like its a cock?
If the answer is yes to any two, or better still, all three questions, then my friend the only word is cha-ching - score! From here it is plain sailing, go over, show compassion, and if you can slip into the conversation that you hate Bjs, for good measure .

*a kosher bread

"You mean the beaver picture?!"

How do they come up with this stuff?!

Global Concern

c: "I fear for the fate of the planet"

on seeing two nerds flirting behind their laptops

he he hee

while on the subject

things you hear on campus

"..you see the thing about Tirin is that he was a mathematician and a computer scientist"
buawahhha

To The Good Old Days ahhhhhh

Options in my web dictionary

So I just discoverd that my web dictionary programme has an option to enable vulgar words in it too. Sweet

Web dictionary what does Fuckwit mean?
Web dictionary says: "Insulting terms of address for people who are stupid or irritating or ridiculous"

the weather

its that vagina going to your head things again

wtf?!

Coitus Interruptus

when you forget to take the phone off the hook

Coitus: Operations Manual

1. Insert Cock Rocket into flacid faginah
2. poussé

HOT BIO MAJOR!

fucktardE

This is from the Sunday Mirror

"WIFE WANTS ME TO JOIN IN HER ORGIES
12 February 2006
SEXUAL HEALTH

Dear Dr Cath,

MY wife has been having orgies behind my back. And I'm worried she may have given me something."

then Doctor (what what?!) Cath replies

"SWINGING was a big thing in the Seventies......"
then delivers the killer line which has to be quote of the day:

"But at least she's not just having an affair."

What the fuck?! No she is not having an affair ,SHE IS SLEEPING WITH WHOLE BUNCH OF GUYS!!!!!

Oh she does ad:
"Well, group sex is usually just about physical pleasure. There's not much emotion involved, other than lust."

Anyone for Old School?!

What Lies Beyond

hbm: "Ive got an interview for horsecamp"

Lame Valentine's Day

g: "it was a good night"
j: "yeah, i got man-thongs, you got vagisil, what more could you ask fofr?!"
g: "sigh, what more indeed?!"

fucktarde

I Stole This One

The Three Steps To Getting An 'A'

1. Low cut top
2. No gag reflex
3. Swallow

For an 'A+' you will have to do things bending forwards

All good things

News just in about the diabolic duo know as P&D. After such hilarious antics as the "driving stick" incident of last year, word is that the ones known also as vomit and The 13th Century Philosopher will no longer be hanging outside of Mad Mex offering free rides to shitt frat parties. Vomit apparently, lived up to his reputation when he tried to hit on M. A big no no! As for the philosopher, well word on the street is that he wont be walking them for a while. He is on house arrest. How?! That is not quite clear, but here is a word of advice, which is the quote of the day for today:
"If you get into an altercation and the po-po come to break things up, getting into the patrol car and taking a ride round the block is NOT a good idea"

presumably it was 'stick'

Intelligencia

Honey Im off to a meeting with Mr Hemingway!

What does?

What does Kiva Han mean?
Shitty coffee with a scowl?!

this crossing the and line that show

g: "who needs romance when you are doing it up the bum"
c: "I hope you never say that in public"

Here we go

Greg: "I want a humidor"
Anon: "What the fuck do you needa humidor for?"
Greg: "So I can smoke cigars. I also want a pink silk gown and some bitches to hang around"

Just as well the Steelers won.

That hot Bio Major

Jez: "I'm just in a very erotic relationship right now. we are systematically
breaking down all the taboos that society has."

Mark walks to the bathroom followed by Jez

Mark: "Right and love? Romance? I mean is there any romance in any of this at all?!"

Jez: "Who needs romance when you are doing it up the bum."

Mark: "Exactly! Exactly my point. I mean if you have actually done...that. Which by the way I could see no point in whatever myself."

Jez: "You'd love to try it."

Mark: "I HONESTLY would not! What is this modern obsession with THAT?! Look, Jez what I'm trying to say, so for better or for worse the 60s happened and now sex is fine. But can't we take the best of that, the nice music, the colours, the 'I have a dream' etc. But not have to face the squalor."

Mark turns to the sink and picks up his toothbrush.

Jez: Ah, you might.. want to give that a bit of a rinse mate."

Campus Life

Online Visual Thesaurus

gid:"baby, type a word to check out this cool online visual thesaurus"
colby types: "anus"

Just another 3way. ..... email conversation, 1 February 2006

Gid: "ps, Colby and I wanted to let you know that we used your toothbrush"
Marnie: "awesome... and by that I mean: what did you use it for?"
Colby: "muahahahahaha!"

At the UC Shop

One cashier to her colleague:
"It would be worth wasting a yogurt just to throw it at you"